Well hello there!  It's been a few weeks since I've written and I know I've already failed on my promise to myself to write at least a few times a week.  Well I have a fairly decent excuse.  I had a bit of an accident on birthday and got a really bad concussion and neck injury.  Did I mention that this would be my 3rd concussion in a 2 year period?  Yah I'm a clutz!  I have told Jason that when I die to please donate my brain to that sports medicine study on brain damage caused by multiple concussions.

So in the spirit of "If it didn't happen to me, I would have never believed it," here is what happened:

A couple months before my birthday my wonderful cousin contacted me to let me know that Alabama was going to be in concert on my actual birthday and she would by us tickets to see them (long story short - we saw them together back in 1990/1991 before she left for college and it was my first country concert).  I of course said yes and the plan ended up being that she was able to get an entire suite at the Stockton Arena and so it was going to be a group of 16 of us going out. This was going to be an amazing 47th (ugghhh) birthday party.  I even bought new sparkly jeans the weekend before. Then on the Monday morning before Tina let me know that the concert was being cancelled (and maybe rescheduled for November). I was bummed not surprised because I had heard that one of the guys had recently let everyone know that he had Parkinson's Disease and this particular night was going to be his last concert, but apparently he got too bad).  So I send Jason a text at work to let him know that the concert is cancelled.  He immediately calls me to make sure that I wasn't joking and of course I wasn't.  Well as a surprise my amazing husband had booked a limo to pick us up, pick Taylor and Zach up and then pick up Tina and Rick up to take us to the concert and bring us back home.  This way we could have drinks and not worry about anything.  Poor guy!  He tries so hard to surprise me and the plans always get goofed up. 

So fast forward a day or so and I find out that he was able to cancel the limo and he had gotten a hold of family and friends to come over on Saturday evening for a surprise party for me. He had arranged for my best friend to come and kidnap for the day while he got everything ready. Him and Mike (my BFF's hubby) were doing the food and my mom was making a cake. Tina and Taylor couldn't make it because once the concert was cancelled some other plans were made for work to be done in advance of Taylor's wedding, so they were coming to kidnap me on Sunday morning to take me to get mani/Pedi's and go to lunch. He had planned a great big birthday weekend for me as a surprise. But then Mike suggested that it might not be a good surprise because if I didn't have the house how I wanted it for guests or I wasn't dressed appropriately I might get upset (that might have been a lesson learned in the past from Mike and Ondina - LOL). So Jason let me know about the surprise party, plus he knew he'd never be able to keep it a surprise from me anyways. So I told him we'll let everyone else think it was a surprise and so I made sure that the house was at least dusted, vacuumed, bathrooms were clean, etc. so I wouldn't be too freaked out.  Plus I took out all the serving bowls, utensils, plates, etc. because, well you know how it is with guys.  ;-)  The Friday before my birthday he had also arranged to have flowers delivered to me at work, but of course there was a mess up with them again (has happened for Valentine's Day a couple times) and they didn't make it. No big deal!

Saturday morning arrives and my bestie comes and gets me. The plan was to go do some thrift store shopping, get something to eat, go pick up Amy and Ashley and get some massages, and head back home. Well we did the first part and then we decide to go get Ashley and kidnap her early, then suddenly Amy can't afford to get massages and so we tell her to just meet us at my house around 4:00. We never did go get anything to eat. We end up going to the SuperWalmart to grab some last minute things for the party (because I'm the one that usually plans all of the stuff for parties and I don't like not having enough of everything).  Oops I forgot to grab the Corona and ice so we decide we'll stop by the Walmart Neighborhood Grocery in Elk Grove. Get those two things but they don't have the frozen drink pouches that Jason asked me to grab, so while Ondina is in line paying I walk across the parking lot to the other Walmart to grab them and they don't have them either.  So we stop by the Walmart closest to my house and woo hoo they have them! But it looks like they are discontinued and so they are on clearance.  I bought all of them they had (it was around 40 of them and I got some very weird looks).  Woo hoo! We're done and on our way back to the house to get ready for my surprise party.

Fast forward a bit and party is going great.  Everyone is having a nice time, eating all of the great food that Jason and Mike prepared, and I may have been enjoying a cocktail or two.  Time for cake and out comes my nephew Austin (who had moved down to southern California and I hadn't seen for over 6 months) carrying my cake.  My parents were thrilled because it was a surprise for them too.  Great times!  Feeling the love!

So now several of us decide to do a shot of Fireball, and I can do one legally with Austin.  Feeling great now! We are all laughing and having a great time.  It's getting a little bit later and my parents and a couple other friends leave before it gets dark out because they are older and don't drive in the dark.  Say my goodbyes and everything is good.  Several of us decide to have another shot of Fireball and now the party is really starting!  And then another shot - woo hoo!  Jason gets our new karaoke machine going and we are all having fun picking songs, singing, laughing, dancing, . . . And then that is the last thing I remember.  I apparently fell back straight and hell broke loose!  I don't remember the fall, but they said I didn't lose consciousness. My friend Shannon, who is a nurse, said to call 911 and they got there fast.  They took me to the ER at Kaiser and did CT scans and gave me fluids, and said I was intoxicated (duh) and had a concussion but should be ok.  Jason got to ride in the ambulance with me (first time for him) and Ondina and Ashley followed in their truck. Our other friends put stuff away and locked the house up.  Ash and Ondina stayed at the hospital with us all night (I don't remember any of this, so I'm getting it from stories being told) and took us home (I have some fleeting memories of getting in her big truck). I have been told that at one point I had to pee really bad and so the nurse gave them a bedpan and told them to help me.  I have an amazing husband and friends who helped get me undressed and do the bedpan.  I'm just hoping that there are no photos or videos of that part (Ash was great about documenting a lot of it for me). 

Fast forward to late Sunday morning and I wake up with a pair of sweats on and I have the worse headache in the world because the entire back of my head is so sensitive to touch and I want to die, plus my neck is really hurting.  I'm like what the heck happened????  The headache didn't feel like a hangover type of headache. Jason starts to fill me in, and then later I hear from Ashley, Ondina, and others who were there and are checking on me.  It's nice how concerned they all were - not so great with them sending me videos of being on the gurney with the paramedics, but hey what are friends for right?  My day with Tina and Taylor had to be cancelled because I was hurting so bad and I was supposed to rest.  Boy this isn't turning out to be such a great birthday weekend after all!

I felt terrible Monday, Tuesday and felt a little bit better on Wednesday. My head and neck were killing me.  I couldn't touch anything on the back of my head and with my neck it made it difficult to get comfortable and all I wanted to do was sleep.  Let's just say I was miserable. On Thursday morning I decided that I had to go to work and I was just going to suck it up. It was Jason's day off so he drove me to work.  Or at least attempted to drive me to work.  We had stop and go traffic and my head hit the back of the seat a few times which hurt like crazy. I tried to text my staff to let them know I was on my way but delayed in traffic, but I started getting really sick.  Oh I forgot to mention that all these days I kept throwing up because my head hurt so bad.  At a point I was in so much pain, I couldn't stop heaving so I called my boss to say sorry and that Jason was taking me to the ER to get rechecked.  Get off the freeway and head to Kaiser ER. Given fluids and a headache cocktail, told that it is a bit more of a concussion than originally thought along with probably whiplash and that I needed to do complete brain rest for several days.  OOOOhhhhh isn't that fun??? I stayed off my phone as much as possible and stayed in the bedroom with it darkened and rested for days. 

I felt better on Sunday afternoon and did a load of laundry and I think I cooked something, or maybe I didn't, I can't remember (oh short term memory loss comes with concussions so I was always forgetting things). Jason was off work because of his back (a whole different story) so I talked him into driving me to work because I was feeling somewhat better and I didn't want to be gone any more. Let's just say that I made it to work and it was a very miserable day. Even my boss told me to go home early in the afternoon.  Jason picked me up around 3:00 and I went home and relaxed.  Tuesday Jason drove me to work and I was already heaving in the car, but I told him I would just deal with it at work.  He had a doctor appointment that he needed to get to.  I tried to suck it up but I was heaving into my garbage can and some of the girls at work heard me.  I made it for a few hours and for a meeting I needed to be at, but that was it.  I had Jason come and get me when he was done with his appointment and he ended up taking me back to the ER because it literally felt like my head was going to explode. Had to wait forever because the ER was very busy. Another IV of fluids and a new headache cocktail was given and I started feeling a little bit better later that afternoon so I got to go home.  Oh wait I forgot to say how hard it is to get veins for IV's so my arms and hands were rather bruised up and sore from all the attempts and visits.  The ER doctor gave me a new medication for the nausea but I ended up allergic to it, because well, of course, it's me.  I stayed home the rest of the week and rested my brain.

I finally returned to work last week and I won't say that it was great, but I was able to tolerate the neck pain and headaches.  Jason was off work so he drove and picked me up all week because he wasn't sure how I would do with driving.  That helped.  I also didn't do anything when I got home from work except basically try to eat something and go to bed and relax. I did a bit of housework last weekend and some laundry, trying to get back in the swing of things.  The head and neck are feeling better but there is one area of my head that is still sensitive and my neck stiffens up still but it's getting better.  Thank God because it's been 3 1/2 weeks!

We usually hold a really big Memorial Day weekend bbq/party, but we cancelled it because of how I'm still feeling.  We'll have a few friends over and they understand that it will not be a big production like we usually do. 

Oh and Fireball has been officially banned from our house!

My hope for this blog is that I'll at least post something a few times a week, we'll see how that goes because I always have the best of intentions, but I'll be honest - sometimes I can be a bit of a procrastinator.  If you really know me this isn't shocking news. I always have the best of intentions on everything I do. 

I like to throw events or put together a piece of work that is perfect. I start making lists and plans in my head, a lot of times they even make it down onto paper and I figure out what I can do ahead of time, what has to be done at the last minute, and make timelines for everything in between.  This is mainly for things like when I throw parties, but it also seems true for most things that have a deadline somewhere later in the future. If you give me something that I need to get done right away I'm good.  I work well under pressure (that doesn't mean that I won't be stressed and maybe a bit edgy, but I get it done). It's those far ahead projects that kind of get the best of me. All that extra time gives me time to make too many plans in my head, I think about it way too much, for parties and events I will start checking out Pinterest and find all kind of additional ideas for decorations, gifts, recipes, themes, etc. And then I start working on projects and may have a dozen going on at one time. 

Unfortunately I can have the attention span of a squirrel and before I finish one project I will have started three others.  Then I start panicking that time is getting shorter and I have to make decisions on what items aren't going to happen and there may be some panic attacks and mild temper tantrums.  Don't get me wrong - I love to throw a party!  Seriously!  I love it.  And luckily my hubby likes having them too.  What he doesn't like is that I get a bit too stressed out when throwing them.  That procrastinator problem I have? Yah it's not the only one I have.  I am also a Type A personality - in other words I'm a control freak and instead of asking for help I would rather do it all myself.  And I also like to be a perfectionist so then when something doesn't turn out exactly how I wanted it to I may have a bit of a temper tantrum and things may get broken and thrown away.  I'm working on this.  Baby Steps.  Little tiny baby steps. 

The good news is that we have thrown quite a few parties now at the house we are in and we have purchased items that make some things a bit easier, so this has been helpful.  Unfortunately those time savers have just allowed me to think of other things that I can now do to make the party even better for everyone!  You see the truth is - that I enjoy baking, cooking, and putting everything together, along with decorations, etc., but what I really enjoy is making sure everyone else is having a fun time and has something they like to eat and drink. That is what gives me great joy.  Being able to look at our friends and family having fun and looking back on the memories.  I just want to make everyone around me happy and then I get upset if that doesn't happen.

Hello!  One thing you will find out about me is that music is really important to me and I find myself relating to many songs, as if I had wrote them.  One of the bands that I really relate to is Linkin Park but they aren't the only ones. You won't see me posting much poetry (and if you do, you'll notice it will sound more like Dr. Seuss because I don't get poems that don't rhyme - apparently I'm not "deep" like that).  More often though you will find me posting lyrics to songs because that is what really reaches deep down for me.  With that said, today I'm going to post the lyrics to a Papa Roach song called Scars.  This is me to a "T."  I always like to think of myself as closed off and uncaring, but in reality I care way too much, often times to the detriment of me. As I look back on almost all of my past relationships I found someone who was "broken" and I would try and "fix" them, because if I could focus on their problems then I didn't have to look at mine. And believe me - I had lots of problems - most of them I hadn't even admitted to myself at that point. Let me just be the first to say that if you are going into relationships like I did - that you are setting yourself (and him/her) up for failure, heartbreak, and maybe even worse.  It doesn't work!!!!  Let me repeat - IT DOESN'T WORK!  It took a lot of time and work on myself to figure that one out.  I love this song because it is so true.  My scars remind me that my past is real, but I have moved on with my own life and I'm happy now. So without further ado . . .

Scars by Papa Roach

 

I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
My weakness is
That I care too much
My scars remind us
That the past is real
I tear my heart open
Just to feel

 

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just want to be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
'Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you go fix yourself
Your making me insane
All I can say is

 

I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
My weakness is
That I care too much
Our scars remind us
That the past is real
I tear my heart
Open just to feel

 

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That your drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassion's in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

 

I tear my heart open

I sew myself shut
My weakness is
That I care too much
Our scars remind us
That the past is real

I tear my heart
Open just to feel

 

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just want to be alone
You shouldn't ever came around
Why don't you just go home?
'Cause your drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
You fix yourself

 

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

 

I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
My weakness is that
I care too much
Our scars remind us
That the past is real

I tear my heart
Open just to feel

I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
My weakness is that
I care too much
Our scars remind us
That the past is real
I tear my heart open
Just to feel

The Inaugural Post

I've been wanting to start a blog for a long time and I've even thought of writing a book a few times, but lately a friend of mine (my 8th grade English teacher) said that I needed to write my story so here goes nothing!

My plan for this blog is to write about my life. Some days it may be something that is going on right now that I think is funny or I'm upset about, or just something important that I want to remember later on. And some days I'm going to dive into my past and relive moments or sections of time (this will probably be over a series of days). I'm hoping that this will be therapeutic for me and remind me that even though some of these times were very dark, that I was able to come out the other side and even look back on them and see the good (and bad) and even laugh at some of it. If anyone actually reads this blog, then I hope that maybe you can get something out of it - either to roll your eyes and say "yah right" or maybe you can relate to something I have said, or even better you can relate to what I've said and been through, and you can learn from me that you can make it through. And most of all I hope you can get a laugh out of some of it too!

A word of caution to anyone who may decide to read this blog - while I try to be funny, a lot of what I write will have a dark side, and I will come off angry and bitter. I will cuss (probably a lot). I will not always be politically correct. I will be all over the page about how I feel about things because as we go through life we are always evolving. I won't really apologize for who I am because it is what it is. All I can do is tell you that I made and continue to make mistakes, but I also try to learn from the best way that I can. Sometimes it is three steps forward and one step back, sometimes it is one step forward and two steps back, and sometimes it is Go to Jail, go directly to jail, do not pass Go, do not collect $200. I apparently rock at Monopoly though because I have gotten more than my share of Get out of Jail Free cards. No I have never actually been to jail, but I have done things that I should have, so there ya go.

You'll also get a lot of honesty here. Brutal honesty about how I feel now or felt then (or at least how I remember it felt).  But, I'll try to remember to change the names to protect the innocent (and guilty).

I should also warn you that I can get going on a rant or memory and my fingers just type away very fast. I'll try and spell/grammar check, but sometimes there will be mistakes. I'm not perfect and I will never say that I am (shhhh don't tell my hubby that though ok?), so please don't judge too harshly.

So nothing too exciting in this first post, but I just wanted to lay the groundwork of what will be on here.

Cheers!
Pattie