My hope for this blog is that I'll at least post something a few times a week, we'll see how that goes because I always have the best of intentions, but I'll be honest - sometimes I can be a bit of a procrastinator.  If you really know me this isn't shocking news. I always have the best of intentions on everything I do. 

I like to throw events or put together a piece of work that is perfect. I start making lists and plans in my head, a lot of times they even make it down onto paper and I figure out what I can do ahead of time, what has to be done at the last minute, and make timelines for everything in between.  This is mainly for things like when I throw parties, but it also seems true for most things that have a deadline somewhere later in the future. If you give me something that I need to get done right away I'm good.  I work well under pressure (that doesn't mean that I won't be stressed and maybe a bit edgy, but I get it done). It's those far ahead projects that kind of get the best of me. All that extra time gives me time to make too many plans in my head, I think about it way too much, for parties and events I will start checking out Pinterest and find all kind of additional ideas for decorations, gifts, recipes, themes, etc. And then I start working on projects and may have a dozen going on at one time. 

Unfortunately I can have the attention span of a squirrel and before I finish one project I will have started three others.  Then I start panicking that time is getting shorter and I have to make decisions on what items aren't going to happen and there may be some panic attacks and mild temper tantrums.  Don't get me wrong - I love to throw a party!  Seriously!  I love it.  And luckily my hubby likes having them too.  What he doesn't like is that I get a bit too stressed out when throwing them.  That procrastinator problem I have? Yah it's not the only one I have.  I am also a Type A personality - in other words I'm a control freak and instead of asking for help I would rather do it all myself.  And I also like to be a perfectionist so then when something doesn't turn out exactly how I wanted it to I may have a bit of a temper tantrum and things may get broken and thrown away.  I'm working on this.  Baby Steps.  Little tiny baby steps. 

The good news is that we have thrown quite a few parties now at the house we are in and we have purchased items that make some things a bit easier, so this has been helpful.  Unfortunately those time savers have just allowed me to think of other things that I can now do to make the party even better for everyone!  You see the truth is - that I enjoy baking, cooking, and putting everything together, along with decorations, etc., but what I really enjoy is making sure everyone else is having a fun time and has something they like to eat and drink. That is what gives me great joy.  Being able to look at our friends and family having fun and looking back on the memories.  I just want to make everyone around me happy and then I get upset if that doesn't happen.

Hello!  One thing you will find out about me is that music is really important to me and I find myself relating to many songs, as if I had wrote them.  One of the bands that I really relate to is Linkin Park but they aren't the only ones. You won't see me posting much poetry (and if you do, you'll notice it will sound more like Dr. Seuss because I don't get poems that don't rhyme - apparently I'm not "deep" like that).  More often though you will find me posting lyrics to songs because that is what really reaches deep down for me.  With that said, today I'm going to post the lyrics to a Papa Roach song called Scars.  This is me to a "T."  I always like to think of myself as closed off and uncaring, but in reality I care way too much, often times to the detriment of me. As I look back on almost all of my past relationships I found someone who was "broken" and I would try and "fix" them, because if I could focus on their problems then I didn't have to look at mine. And believe me - I had lots of problems - most of them I hadn't even admitted to myself at that point. Let me just be the first to say that if you are going into relationships like I did - that you are setting yourself (and him/her) up for failure, heartbreak, and maybe even worse.  It doesn't work!!!!  Let me repeat - IT DOESN'T WORK!  It took a lot of time and work on myself to figure that one out.  I love this song because it is so true.  My scars remind me that my past is real, but I have moved on with my own life and I'm happy now. So without further ado . . .

Scars by Papa Roach

 

I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
My weakness is
That I care too much
My scars remind us
That the past is real
I tear my heart open
Just to feel

 

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just want to be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
'Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you go fix yourself
Your making me insane
All I can say is

 

I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
My weakness is
That I care too much
Our scars remind us
That the past is real
I tear my heart
Open just to feel

 

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That your drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassion's in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

 

I tear my heart open

I sew myself shut
My weakness is
That I care too much
Our scars remind us
That the past is real

I tear my heart
Open just to feel

 

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just want to be alone
You shouldn't ever came around
Why don't you just go home?
'Cause your drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
You fix yourself

 

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

 

I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
My weakness is that
I care too much
Our scars remind us
That the past is real

I tear my heart
Open just to feel

I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
My weakness is that
I care too much
Our scars remind us
That the past is real
I tear my heart open
Just to feel

The Inaugural Post

I've been wanting to start a blog for a long time and I've even thought of writing a book a few times, but lately a friend of mine (my 8th grade English teacher) said that I needed to write my story so here goes nothing!

My plan for this blog is to write about my life. Some days it may be something that is going on right now that I think is funny or I'm upset about, or just something important that I want to remember later on. And some days I'm going to dive into my past and relive moments or sections of time (this will probably be over a series of days). I'm hoping that this will be therapeutic for me and remind me that even though some of these times were very dark, that I was able to come out the other side and even look back on them and see the good (and bad) and even laugh at some of it. If anyone actually reads this blog, then I hope that maybe you can get something out of it - either to roll your eyes and say "yah right" or maybe you can relate to something I have said, or even better you can relate to what I've said and been through, and you can learn from me that you can make it through. And most of all I hope you can get a laugh out of some of it too!

A word of caution to anyone who may decide to read this blog - while I try to be funny, a lot of what I write will have a dark side, and I will come off angry and bitter. I will cuss (probably a lot). I will not always be politically correct. I will be all over the page about how I feel about things because as we go through life we are always evolving. I won't really apologize for who I am because it is what it is. All I can do is tell you that I made and continue to make mistakes, but I also try to learn from the best way that I can. Sometimes it is three steps forward and one step back, sometimes it is one step forward and two steps back, and sometimes it is Go to Jail, go directly to jail, do not pass Go, do not collect $200. I apparently rock at Monopoly though because I have gotten more than my share of Get out of Jail Free cards. No I have never actually been to jail, but I have done things that I should have, so there ya go.

You'll also get a lot of honesty here. Brutal honesty about how I feel now or felt then (or at least how I remember it felt).  But, I'll try to remember to change the names to protect the innocent (and guilty).

I should also warn you that I can get going on a rant or memory and my fingers just type away very fast. I'll try and spell/grammar check, but sometimes there will be mistakes. I'm not perfect and I will never say that I am (shhhh don't tell my hubby that though ok?), so please don't judge too harshly.

So nothing too exciting in this first post, but I just wanted to lay the groundwork of what will be on here.

Cheers!
Pattie